


help (i took a bit too much of home with me)

by contextclues



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Big Brother Amenadiel (Lucifer TV), Goodbyes, Hell, Late Night Conversations, Lucifer Feels, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug, Post-Season/Series 04, Punishment, Sad, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Torture, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23501845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contextclues/pseuds/contextclues
Summary: "They see the stars I created, and they find the patterns I left for them. They think they're beautiful.""And they blame me for my own fall. I betrayed their inventor, I fuel their sin and create their pain. I lay waste to their lands and hunt them at their weakest.""I am evil."
Relationships: Amenadiel & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 95





	help (i took a bit too much of home with me)

"I've come to understand why this was my punishment." The words slipped easily from his lips, quiet and slow as though he was barely aware he was speaking.

His left hand traced the rim of his glass silently as he nestled further into the comfort of his position, leaning gently against the glass railing of the balcony.

"To rule Hell, I mean," He explained, "I'm going back tonight."

Amenadiel closed the distance between them, not allowing himself to be unnerved by the way Lucifer did not acknowledge he had even arrived before launching into a ramble. He slowly crossed the balcony from the doorway to the railing where Lucifer sat. His gaze lingered only briefly on the lights of the city below, all frozen mid-twinkle as he slowed time to sit with his brother.

Lucifer took the silence as a cue to continue, "I fell for them. They aren't angels. They were not created to serve God, they know nothing of His will or of even his existence."

Lucifer's words had somehow slowed even further, his musings ending too lightly to be complete, but he did not seem to want to continue.

"What do you mean, Luci?" Amenadiel prompted gently.

Lucifer did not startle at the interruption, though it did not seem welcome. He hesitantly continued as he dropped the arm with the glass to the floor and his gaze similarly low.

"They are better than us, Amenadiel. They are filled with creativity, passion, they have a lust for the bigger, the better, because everything comes to an end for them."

"They live unaware of their own sin until they are damned for breaking the rules they have no proof of. They can only guess at what is right and wrong, because dear old dad doesn't trust them enough to tell them."

He gently shook his head and bit out a joyless chuckle as he continued, "The Bible is the holiest thing they know, and it was written by men. The lives they lead are all- Everything about humanity- It's just guesswork. All of it."

"I've seen _good_ people, people who tried so hard in life to just be _good_ , in Hell. Forced to survive through unrelenting, unnecessary guilt."

Amenadiel leaned his head back to rest against the cool glass of the railing, "What are you trying to get at?"

Lucifer slowed his breathing to match the pace of Amenadiel's.

"What I mean, brother, is I finally understand why Hell was my punishment."

"You've mentioned that. Care to explain?"

Lucifer exhaled another bitter chuckle, and Amenadiel tried not to let it bite, "Not really."

"But you will anyway."

His brother stared at his knees with an exhausted smile the angel wished he had turned away before he saw, "You know me too well."

Amenadiel allowed the silence to answer.

"These humans, I saw it in them before any of you. They live on their own terms, they don't have explicit directions from Dad. I saw the desire in them, and I tried to tell you, I tried to tell Dad, all I was saying was that with good comes bad."

"You never wanted them to do evil, did you?" Amenadiel finished.

"No," The cold smile was still present, still dizzying, "I just wanted to understand them."

Lucifer kicked his heel gently at the concrete in front of him, the delicate scraping doing nothing to alleviate the heaviness of the slow air.

"I fell for them. I love them. Their desire, their creations, their passions. I want to be free, like them." Lucifer breathed, "I love Earth. They love life, they find beauty in the colours of the sky when the sun sets every evening."

His words should have been spoken with a quivering voice, with chest-heaving breathlessness and too much emotion for clarity. It made Lucifer's earnestness, his stony, careful tone so much more painful.

"They see the stars I created, and they find the patterns I left for them. They think they're beautiful."

"And they blame me for my own fall. I betrayed their inventor, I fuel their sin and create their pain. I lay waste to their lands and hunt them at their weakest."

"I am evil."

"And, the worst part is I feel it to be true. Temptation distracts from consequences. They do not heed warning nor do they ever listen enough to be able to. I did not create their evil, but I have ignited it."

"But, at least deep down, I hope they know it isn't entirely me. They know none of it is really my doing, or they wouldn't feel guilt."

"If it were truly me, if I were truly the cause of their sinning, Hell would house not a single soul but mine."

"But, Hell does house souls. I have this job, I am its king, and if I do not stay- I have to go back." He bit out a laugh, drunken and bitter, icy and piercing enough that Amenadiel couldn't tell whether it was for himself or 'dear old Dad'.

Amenadiel found the air too thick to breathe, but it had been too long since he last shared such a long conversation with his brother to allow that to distract him, "Their hatred for you is your punishment?"

Lucifer finally lifted his gaze, turned to the side just enough to cock his head at him.

"No, brother," He whispered, "Can't you see?"

The angel's brows furrowed in response.

"For as long as I love humanity, it will never love me back. Even if by some miracle I begin to find a home with it, I am called back to hell, to torture every innocent. Right back at the beginning."

Amenadiel pursed his lips, nauseated at how distant his brother was sounding. Lucifer lived on passion. To hear him so detached, so uncaring, resigned to his fate as though it were meaningless was enough to break him.

"I'm stuck in my very own hell loop, and not only am I the only one I can blame," His voice was too firm, "I'm my very own torturer."

"And if I punish the guilty, if I punish _evil_ , I-" He didn't finish the sentiment. The strangled, choked last syllable was the first true show of emotion he had expressed, and it said enough.

_What does that say about me?_

It dripped from the velvet sky, intoxicating both brothers, rolling off every nearby wall before settling into the gap between their shoulders.

"No door in Hell is locked. I can always come and go, just as any other soul can." He attempted to move on. 

He shook his head again as his voice grew tighter, "But where else would I go? I'm my own Hell. At least down there it's warm."

Amenadiel wished he had said something. He wished his thoughts hadn't become so tangled and his throat hadn't collapsed in on itself.

He wished a million things at once, but by the time he unfroze, time had escaped his grip and all that remained beside him was the rippling whisky in a frosty glass and a slowly drifting feather, falling to the ground in front of him.


End file.
